This article, like all I write, is from a deep place within my soul. A place that yearns for connection. I share this story in the hope that it resonates with those out there going through similar experiences. May we band together in our pain and transform it into an opportunity for us to step into a newer version of ourselves. With more love, more light and more warmth.
Like many people, I started the year with hope. Fresh mindset, new beliefs and a vision that had me excitedly jumping out of bed every day. I felt energised, calm and connected. I was glowing in love and happy to give it to those around me. ‘Hugs all around’ was my motto and I absolutely loved life. I was in tune with myself, my emotions and my needs. I was able to detach from outcomes, let go of things that bothered me and release the need for control. I had the ability to let what was to come, come and let go of all that needed to be gone.
I write this from a clouded state of negativity. Drowning in a sea of self-doubt and anxiety, completely caught up in worry about the future and reliving past conversations that ought to be laid to rest. I am stuck in my shit talk, repeating to myself un-affirming beliefs such as “I am not good enough”, “People are unreliable” and a past favourite of my dark side “I am too hard to love”.
What changed, I here you ask. Well, in short I met someone. To be more accurate, a few someone’s in short succession. A handful of experiences that had very similar undertones. Now for any other person this would be a seemingly unimportant event. For someone like me, an empath, a highly sensitive individual who feels things quite deeply…it is earth shattering. Unfortunately, the experiences weren’t all flowers, love and rainbows. My dark side reared her ugly head. I became controlling, obsessive and downright loopy. I gave everything I had in the hope of receiving love. A guy looked at me and suddenly I forgot who I was, what I wanted and the vision I had created for myself. I spent so much time wanting to be loved that at the first sight of it, I abandoned myself. I lost my mind and my sense of self. I became my patterns, stuck in a vicious cycle. Putting myself out there, getting rejected and projecting this hurt in vindictive and cruel ways that is not me. My inner essence crying with the pain of being ignored.
I am totally obsessed with the idea of being in love, it is like I completely lose myself for it. For anyone. For anything. Any small indication of the chance to be loved and it is jump ship right onto the chosen person. I just disappear.
I would love to offer some great piece of enlightened wisdom, one pearl of advice that completely turned my life around. That is not the case. I have come to learn it is in the daily, consistent action I take that is slowly transforming my thinking.
First of which is acceptance. Acceptance of self, of life, of where we are currently at. It is through the resistance to reality, to what is actually occurring, that causes us the most pain. Hearing only what we want to hear, seeing only what we want to believe is the truth, pretending or worst of all changing our self to be with someone. Total acceptance of what is and surrendering to the present moment. This releases worry, expectations, anxiety and frees our mind from the endless mental chatter about what ifs or if only.
All-important journaling and reflection! This is transformational in evaluating what happened. This time allows us to go inwards and find the answers we seek. It helps us to be in tune with what was triggered inside of our self. What old patterns came up? What outdated, limiting beliefs surfaced? What meaning was placed on this particular person or situation? Once we have sorted through what happened and what came up for us then we can write the sentence “Next time I will approach it this way….”We then have tangible action steps we can commit to when we are next faced with a situation similar to the one we have just been through. This empowers our inner self, helps us to develop an innate strength and renewed energy. An immovable sense of self-belief that we can handle anything and that each experience is a chance for us to become a better version of our authentic self! Acknowledge the triumph. When we know better, we do better.
Be alone. Really spend time alone. This space to just be with our self helps us to unearth who we truly are and what we want. It provides us with the amazing opportunity to create a self that is divine, unique and special. This is a chance to date our self, spoil our self with movies, brunches or a day exploring part of the city you haven’t been to. Find out what makes you, YOU! What are your passions? What are you absolutely in love with? What brings you joy and lights up your entire world? When we create a life that we are absolutely in love with and fill it with meaningful activities, it makes our heart sing and our soul soar.
The last bit of wisdom I have to bestow, while completely clichéd, is true. The power of loving your-self. The one relationship that is the most important in our entire life is the relationship we cultivate with our inner self. It truly sets the standard for every other relationship we have. If you are negative, talk down to yourself, trash your body and make everyone a priority but you. Guess what? The people in your life will mirror exactly that back to you. They will not respect your time. They will not respect your body. They will not treat you nicely. If you cannot love yourself or talk to yourself like you would a friend expecting that of any one else would be madness. We teach people through our words, actions and behaviours how we like to be treated.
I know deep within my heart and soul that when we have a deep sense of self, a genuine care for our body and a truly connected inner soul filled with kindness, compassion and love… when we have taken the time to really get to know our self – perceived flaws and all- that is when we will meet someone. Someone who has the ability to love, approve and accept us as our authentic self because that is what will be revealed to them. No facades, no masks just our true being. They will love the REAL you, as you love her!